Hope & Anchor

By Steve Wilson

SEX! Well, that should have got your attention?! This blog is focussing on the Male Sex – gender related not the verb! I have never really given much thought to what it means to be male, a fella , a bloke. Not until, I was diagnosed with cancer that is.

When I was given my initial diagnosis in 2010, I was on my own in one of those cubicles that enables all and sundry to see you lying on a starch stiffed sheet , fitted over one of those squeaky , shiny and ridiculously slippery beige NHS mattresses. Then a nurse pulls the paper thin curtain round to block out the view but does nothing to hide the sounds. I’ll always remember the curtain as it was emblazoned with famous icons associated with Middlesbrough, such as The big milk bottle next to MIMA; An image of Captain Cook and The Transporter bridge which, in an eerily Nostradamus manner, was at the bottom of a ripped hem giving the impression it was falling apart!

After the consultant muttered the life changing , or ending words as I immediately thought, ‘Mr Wilson you’ve got cancer and we need to see if it’s spread’, my bottom lip wobbled - my only acknowledgement and outward sign that I was upset , although the inside of me felt like I had just been turned upside down, inside out. As he talked and explained the next steps, all I interpreted was ‘ you’re going to die very soon!’

That was the start of my exploration of my own Mental Health, emotional well being and all round ‘head’ stuff. The NHS is wonderful with the Biology of cancer , as it’s there to keep us alive and that’s what it focusses on- diagnosis, surgery, treatment, chemo, radiotherapy etc. However, and please excuse my potty language, Cancer is a head **** and the NHS does not pay that much attention to that element of an individuals cancer support.

I am not blaming the NHS as it’s a stretched resource with an ever increasing list of stuff to get done but this lack of emotional support really did put me in a dark place , which got considerably darker after my cancer spread in 2017.

Arise MR Graham Dyson!!!!! My Macmillan nurse referred me to The Holistic Trinity centre in 2017, as I told her I was feeling really awful following all my horrendous surgeries and life threatening variables - but I guess the uncontrollable crying after she asked ’how I was’ probably gave it away?

I had six, 1 hour, face to face sessions with Graham Dyson- a consultant psychologist who specialises in psycho oncology – the head stuff associated with cancer emotions. WOW! Mindfulness, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Breathing Techniques were all introduced to me and I couldn’t get enough!

I have always been interested in Positive Psychology and Sports Psychology… just Psychology in general I guess…. And I saw this as an opportunity to practice on myself – like I was my own research project. What I found interesting was how , as a fella, I initially resisted many of the advised techniques as they weren’t manly enough. I had, for as long as I remember, not faced up to difficult emotions as it I didn’t want to feel, or appear to be, vulnerable, after all ‘boys don’t cry’ and I was under the impression that women are attracted to strong, tough men!

Social Constructs prompted me to drink more than I should have done because that’s how men cope with ****. We don’t face our problems, we drink them away! I now know that a tough man faces up to life’s challenges head on ..c’mon cancer, fancy a ruck ?

No booze or drugs…Just You and Life in a scrap for dignity and keeping head up high! I started the Hope & Anchor support group for men living with cancer, as i wanted to create a safe space for men living with cancer to get together and just chat.

As a fella, we don’t always want to share our **** with our loved ones as we don’t want to put our **** onto them – a problem shared is creating more **** for someone else. So by sharing our problems with a fellow ‘dodgy cells fella , we can support each other and help lessen the load for our loved ones. Also, ‘normal cells’ dudes won’t understand how we see and feel

about our own existence and place in the universe ! There’s nothing like cancer that steers you towards existentialism!

The Hope & Anchor meets at The Trinity Holistic Centre, based at James Cook University Hospital, every 3rd weds of the month between 6-7 pm. If you are a chap living with cancer and you want to meet with other chaps in the same emotional boat, then join us for a cuppa, biscuit and a chat.